Anonymous Seagull Goes Into Hiding After Naming Alleged Mastermind Behind Seafront Sausage Roll Operation

By Anonymous Seagull

EASTBOURNE — The Seagull Times has lost contact with its confidential gull correspondent after they allegedly identified the bird believed to be controlling Eastbourne’s highly organised seafront sausage roll operation.

Anonymous Seagull was last heard from late Thursday evening after sending the newsroom a series of increasingly frantic messages claiming they had finally discovered who sits at the top of Eastbourne’s feathered criminal underworld.

The final message contained just six words:

“It’s Big Beak. Always was. Goodbye.”

Nothing has been heard since.

The Seagull Times would like to stress that Big Beak is an entirely fictional seagull and, should any enormous gull currently be reading this, we have no idea what Anonymous Seagull was talking about.

Who Is Big Beak?

Very little is known about the mysterious bird.

According to Anonymous Seagull, Big Beak rarely carries out food theft personally.

Instead, he allegedly controls an extensive network of spotters, swoopers and pastry specialists operating across Eastbourne seafront.

"You don't see Big Beak stealing chips," our correspondent told us shortly before disappearing.

"That's the point."

"He doesn't need to."

The source claimed Big Beak can usually be found on a rooftop somewhere overlooking the promenade.

Nobody approaches him.

Nobody photographs him.

And nobody touches his chips.

The Sausage Roll Operation

Anonymous Seagull previously revealed allegations of an organised food-theft network operating along Eastbourne seafront.

Visitors to the real Eastbourne seafront are certainly no strangers to gulls around food — even visitor reviews have warned about gulls attempting to steal meals — but the criminal empire described here is, obviously, our own deeply serious investigative journalism.

According to the latest allegations, sausage rolls represent one of the network's most valuable commodities.

The operation reportedly begins with reconnaissance.

Spotter gulls identify anyone leaving a bakery carrying a suspiciously warm paper bag.

The target is then followed.

If they unwrap the sausage roll outdoors, nearby operatives are alerted.

"They've got seconds," Anonymous Seagull explained.

"The first bite is usually safe."

"The second is when we move."

We asked why.

"Confidence."

"Humans get careless after the first bite."

Sophisticated Command Structure Alleged

The whistleblower claimed the organisation operates through several ranks.

At the bottom are Crumb Runners.

Above them are Bag Watchers.

Experienced birds become Swoop Captains.

Only the most trusted gulls are allowed into what is allegedly known as The Upper Promenade.

Nobody knows exactly what happens there.

One source described it as "where the serious birds meet."

Another refused to speak entirely and flew away with half a pasty.

At the very top allegedly sits Big Beak.

"Every sausage roll taken between the Pier and Holywell..."

Anonymous Seagull paused.

"...he gets a piece."

We asked whether that was metaphorical.

"No."

"Literally a piece."

Protection Payments Alleged

More concerning are claims that some gulls have begun offering protection to humans.

Under the alleged arrangement, tourists surrender a small portion of their lunch voluntarily in exchange for being left alone.

Failure to cooperate reportedly results in "enhanced attention."

One visitor unknowingly participated after throwing a chip towards a nearby gull.

Witnesses claim the bird ate it, looked towards a rooftop and nodded.

Within seconds, every other gull disappeared.

The tourist enjoyed the rest of his lunch undisturbed.

He has no idea what he started.

Anonymous Seagull Became Nervous

Our correspondent's behaviour reportedly changed dramatically during the investigation.

They began arriving at meetings late.

They repeatedly checked nearby rooftops.

On Wednesday, they refused to meet anywhere with "open sky."

The newsroom suggested an indoor café.

"Too many windows."

Eventually, the interview was conducted beneath a large beach umbrella.

Anonymous Seagull remained uneasy.

"You don't understand who you're dealing with."

We reminded them that we were discussing seagulls.

"That's exactly what Big Beak wants you to think."

Mysterious Warning Arrives

Hours after the allegations were submitted, The Seagull Times newsroom received a disturbing warning.

A sausage roll had been left outside.

Nobody saw who delivered it.

The pastry was completely intact except for one extremely precise bite taken from the centre.

Beside it lay a single white feather.

Our editorial team initially considered contacting the authorities.

Instead, somebody ate the sausage roll.

This has significantly compromised the evidence.

Sally Squawks Investigates

Seagull Affairs Correspondent Sally Squawks has now taken over the investigation.

Her initial inquiries have produced troubling results.

Three gulls approached for comment immediately flew away.

A fourth stared directly at her for approximately two minutes.

A fifth stole her lunch.

Sally believes the final incident may have been unrelated.

"That one looked freelance."

Big Beak Denies Everything

Late Friday morning, The Seagull Times received what appeared to be an official statement from representatives of Big Beak.

It read:

BIG BEAK DOES NOT EXIST.

THERE IS NO SAUSAGE ROLL OPERATION.

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

The statement was unsigned.

There were several crumbs attached.

We have been unable to establish its origin.

Search For Anonymous Seagull Continues

The whereabouts of Anonymous Seagull remain unknown.

Possible sightings have been reported at Beachy Head, Sovereign Harbour and on top of a bus heading towards Polegate.

None have been confirmed.

The Seagull Times remains deeply concerned for our correspondent's welfare and has established a secure method for them to contact the newsroom.

We cannot reveal details.

However, a portion of chips has been left at a predetermined location.

If the chips disappear, we will know they are safe.

If the chips remain untouched, we will assume something terrible has happened.

At the time of publication, the chips had disappeared.

Unfortunately, CCTV showed a pigeon taking them.

The situation remains unclear.

Meanwhile, shortly before this article went to press, a large seagull landed opposite The Seagull Times newsroom.

It remained there for seventeen minutes.

It did not make a sound.

It simply stared through the window.

Then it dropped something onto the pavement.

A small piece of pastry.

The investigation continues.