Satire 'News' Stories - Eastbourne, East Sussex
Section
All the latest seagull news, feathered crime, chip thefts and airborne chaos from Eastbourne's most notorious residents.
16 published stories
Residents told not to approach waterfront after gulls establish checkpoints and declare area an independent maritime state.
Birds say decades of dangerous chimney-to-chimney travel have been ignored while humans receive “luxury infrastructure” including pavements.
Birds now refusing anything below restaurant quality.
Victim says second visit was unnecessary, disrespectful and “felt extremely personal.”
Residents warned to check identification after several suspicious delivery riders found to have wings and absolutely no bicycle.
Whistleblower alleges generations of Eastbourne’s most powerful gulls have secretly divided the seafront between them.
New ‘Gulliveroo’ service promises delivery within 30 minutes before taking food directly to undisclosed rooftop.
Whistleblower disappears following explosive claims that Eastbourne’s organised gull network is controlled by a mysterious figure known only as “Big Beak”.
Birds demand quieter seafront, more food facilities and ban on humans photographing them without permission.
Whistleblower claims promenade is divided into territories and says tourists carrying open food are identified "before they've even reached the beach".
Birds insist new "protection scheme" is entirely voluntary but consequences of refusing remain unclear.
Local birds accuse visiting aircraft of "turning up for four days and getting all the attention".
Bird representatives describe allegations as "completely circumstantial".
Witnesses say the victim was still holding it at the time.
Birds insist surrendering three chips per portion is "a long-standing local tradition".