Brighton Council Announces Plans To Charge People £2 Just To Look At The Pier

By Derek Pebbles, Sussex Correspondent

BRIGHTON — A fictional Brighton council has announced plans to introduce a £2 charge for anyone wishing to look directly at Brighton Palace Pier for longer than three seconds.

The proposed Pier Appreciation Tariff forms part of an entirely fictional programme designed to ensure visitors "make a fair contribution towards the experience of seeing things."

Under the proposals, residents and tourists would still be permitted to accidentally glance towards the Pier free of charge.

Deliberate viewing would cost £2.

"It's an iconic structure," explained a fictional spokesperson.

"People have been looking at it for years without contributing anything."

Three Seconds Included

Visitors would receive a short grace period before payment becomes necessary.

Officials explained:

One second: Accidental glance.

Two seconds: Casual observation.

Three seconds: Appreciation.

Four seconds: Chargeable activity.

Anybody caught staring for longer periods could receive a Pier Viewing Notice.

Binoculars would attract a premium rate.

Residents Confused

Brighton resident Sarah Collins questioned how the fictional scheme could possibly be enforced.

"What if I'm looking at the sea and the Pier happens to be there?"

Officials acknowledged this could create difficulties.

Visitors may therefore be required to demonstrate that their eyes were focused beyond the Pier.

"How?"

"We're still developing the guidance."

Sussex Residents Offered Discount

People travelling from elsewhere in Sussex could receive a discounted rate.

Eastbourne residents would pay £1.50 provided they agree not to spend the entire viewing period comparing Brighton Pier with Eastbourne Pier.

Hastings residents would receive the same offer.

Neither town has accepted.

"We can look at our own pier," said an Eastbourne resident.

Brighton responded:

"Fine."

Diplomatic relations remain stable.

Premium Viewing Package

A premium package is also reportedly being considered.

For £6.99, visitors would receive:

Ten minutes of unlimited Pier viewing.

Permission to take one photograph.

A designated pointing allowance.

And:

The right to say "that's nice" once.

Any second compliment would require an upgrade.

Scheme Faces Opposition

Critics have described the fictional proposals as ridiculous.

Officials rejected this.

"We're not charging people to look at the Pier."

There was a pause.

"We're introducing a contribution for visual engagement with heritage infrastructure."

Residents asked what that meant.

"Charging people to look at the Pier."

Trial Begins

The scheme is expected to begin with a fictional six-month trial.

Officials will monitor viewing patterns and determine whether charges could eventually be extended to other landmarks.

The Royal Pavilion is reportedly nervous.

At the time of publication, one tourist had been standing on the seafront looking towards the Pier for approximately eleven minutes.

Officials calculated that he owed £440.

He was actually looking at a seagull.

The invoice remains under review.