Council To Spend £310,000 Replacing Perfectly Good Benches With Slightly Different Benches

By Robin Sheffield, Editor

EAST SUSSEX — A Sussex council has unveiled plans to spend £310,000 replacing dozens of perfectly functional public benches with newer benches that officials insist will deliver a "more modern sitting experience."

Under the fictional scheme, existing wooden benches across town centres and seafront areas would gradually be removed and replaced with contemporary alternatives.

The new benches will continue to perform many of the functions residents have come to expect from benches.

These include sitting down.

Officials say the similarities end there.

"This isn't simply about replacing benches," explained a fictional council spokesperson.

"It's about fundamentally reimagining how our communities interact with sitting."

Residents have asked what that means.

The council said further information would be provided.

Existing Benches Found To Be Too Bench-Like

The project reportedly began following a review of public seating across the area.

Consultants identified several concerns with existing benches, including age, appearance and an excessive resemblance to traditional benches.

One section of the report allegedly describes the current seating as "insufficiently reflective of a modern destination."

Resident Graham Collins disagreed.

"It's a bench."

"You sit on it."

"I've sat on that one for twenty years and it's never let me down."

Officials stressed that nobody was questioning the historic performance of existing benches.

However, future seating needs to be "forward-facing."

All benches currently face sideways.

£47,000 Consultation

Before selecting the replacements, approximately £47,000 of the budget will reportedly be allocated to consultation, design work and public engagement.

Residents will be asked what they want from a bench.

Early options include:

Comfortable

Traditional

Modern

Environmentally Sustainable

and:

Somewhere To Sit

Officials described the final option as "helpful but lacking strategic ambition."

Focus groups will also investigate whether residents prefer benches with arms, benches without arms or benches featuring a mysterious metal divider nobody understands.

Smart Benches Considered

One proposal involves installing so-called smart benches capable of offering USB charging, environmental monitoring and potentially public Wi-Fi.

Residents questioned whether a bench genuinely needed internet access.

"Apparently my backside needs broadband now," said one local man.

Another asked whether the council could simply spend the money fixing nearby potholes.

Officials explained that potholes fall under a different budget.

"Can I sit in the pothole?"

The council declined to comment.

New Design Revealed

Concept images reportedly show a sleek metal structure with wooden inserts and an angular shape.

Several residents initially failed to identify it as seating.

One pensioner asked where the back was.

A designer explained that removing the traditional backrest created a "more open relationship between user and public realm."

The pensioner replied:

"I'd quite like an open relationship between my back and something supporting it."

Her feedback has been recorded.

Heritage Benches To Be Preserved

Following concerns about removing older seating, officials have confirmed that historically significant benches could be retained.

Criteria for heritage status include age, design and whether somebody's grandmother has been sitting on it every Tuesday since 1984.

Plaques commemorating loved ones will also be treated sensitively.

Where possible, plaques will be transferred to replacement benches.

Families will therefore still be able to remember relatives while sitting considerably more strategically.

Public Divided

News of the fictional scheme has prompted the traditional local response.

Some residents support investment in public spaces.

Others believe £310,000 is an outrageous amount to spend on seating.

Several have demanded the money be spent on roads.

Someone blamed cyclists.

Another person blamed tourists.

One resident posted:

"THIS IS WHY COUNCIL TAX KEEPS GOING UP!!!"

They live in Kent.

Old Benches Could Be Sold

To recover some of the cost, existing benches may be auctioned to residents.

This has unexpectedly become the most popular part of the entire proposal.

Several people have already expressed interest in buying their favourite bench and returning it to exactly the same location.

Officials have warned this would not be permitted.

"It would undermine the purpose of replacing it."

One resident has reportedly begun measuring the boot of his car.

Final Decision Pending

The council insists no final decision has been made and residents will have an opportunity to provide feedback before the programme proceeds.

Following consultation, responses will be analysed.

A report will then be prepared.

The report will be considered by a committee.

The committee may recommend amendments.

Those amendments may require further consultation.

Residents could therefore continue sitting on the existing benches for several more years.

At the time of publication, one of the allegedly outdated benches was occupied by three people eating sandwiches.

All appeared comfortable.

None requested Wi-Fi.