Eastbourne And Hastings Agree Historic Non-Aggression Pact After Realising Brighton Is Getting All The Attention

By Derek Pebbles, Sussex Correspondent

EAST SUSSEX — Eastbourne and Hastings have signed an historic non-aggression pact after representatives from both towns realised they had spent so much time arguing with each other that Brighton was getting all the attention.

The agreement, described as the most significant development in East Sussex diplomacy for generations, was reached during emergency talks on Friday.

Under the terms of the pact, residents of Eastbourne and Hastings have agreed to temporarily stop insulting each other's seafronts, town centres, piers and general atmosphere.

In return, both sides will redirect their energy westwards.

"This is bigger than Eastbourne versus Hastings," said one representative.

"This is about reminding Brighton there are other places in Sussex."

Hastings agreed immediately.

Bexhill Hosts Peace Talks

Negotiations were held on neutral territory in Bexhill, which was selected primarily because it sits between Eastbourne and Hastings and is completely exhausted by both of them.

Delegations arrived shortly after 10am.

Eastbourne brought photographs of its seafront.

Hastings brought photographs of its Old Town.

Both were confiscated at the door.

"We weren't going through all that again," explained a Bexhill official.

The first breakthrough came when somebody mentioned Brighton.

Both delegations simultaneously rolled their eyes.

Negotiations progressed rapidly from there.

Historic Differences Put Aside

Eastbourne agreed to stop referring to Hastings as "nice for a day out."

Hastings agreed to stop calling Eastbourne "God's waiting room."

Both sides also accepted that comparing piers was unnecessarily provocative.

The subject of beaches proved more difficult.

Talks nearly collapsed when a Hastings delegate mentioned sand.

Bexhill intervened before anybody could respond.

"Not today."

The discussion moved on.

Common Enemy Discovered

Relations improved dramatically when delegates began discussing Brighton.

Within minutes, both sides discovered an extraordinary amount of common ground.

"Every time Sussex gets mentioned nationally, it's Brighton," complained an Eastbourne representative.

"Exactly," replied Hastings.

"Brighton this. Brighton that."

"What about us?"

For several seconds, representatives stared at each other.

Years of rivalry disappeared.

They finally understood.

Brighton Completely Unaware

Brighton reportedly had no idea any of this was happening.

When informed about the alliance, one resident responded:

"Eastbourne and where?"

The comment has significantly strengthened the pact.

Eastbourne immediately requested additional sanctions.

Hastings seconded the motion.

Joint Sussex Campaign Proposed

The two towns are now considering a joint campaign reminding visitors that Sussex continues east of Brighton.

Proposed slogans include:

THERE'S MORE THIS WAY →

SUSSEX DOESN'T END AT BRIGHTON

and:

KEEP GOING. IT GETS CHEAPER.

Eastbourne also proposed:

WE HAVE A PIER TOO

Hastings objected.

Talks were briefly suspended.

Residents React Cautiously

Reaction across both towns has been mixed.

Some residents welcomed the agreement.

Others remain suspicious.

"I'll cooperate with Hastings," said Eastbourne resident Graham Collins.

"But I'm not saying they're better."

Nobody had asked him to.

In Hastings, resident Darren Morris expressed similar concerns.

"Eastbourne's alright."

He paused.

"Don't print that."

Unfortunately, Derek Pebbles already had.

Bexhill Demands Recognition

Bexhill has requested formal recognition for its role in securing the agreement.

Neither town responded.

"We literally hosted the talks," said one frustrated resident.

Eastbourne was busy discussing Brighton.

Hastings was also discussing Brighton.

Bexhill returned to having a quiet afternoon.

Pact Faces First Major Test

The agreement will face its first serious challenge this weekend when residents from both towns are expected to visit each other's seafronts.

Under new diplomatic rules, Eastbourne residents visiting Hastings must refrain from saying:

"It's changed a lot."

Hastings residents visiting Eastbourne are prohibited from making jokes about pensioners for at least 24 hours.

Any disputes must be referred to Bexhill.

Bexhill has refused.

Peace Finally Comes To East Sussex

At the signing ceremony, representatives from Eastbourne and Hastings shook hands.

There was polite applause.

For one extraordinary moment, two of East Sussex's great seaside rivals stood united.

Then somebody asked which town had the better seafront.

Both representatives opened their mouths.

Bexhill immediately switched off the microphones.

The non-aggression pact remains in force.

For now.