Eastbourne And Hastings Enter Diplomatic Crisis After Both Claim To Be "The Better End Of East Sussex"

By Derek Pebbles, Sussex Correspondent

EAST SUSSEX — Relations between Eastbourne and Hastings have deteriorated dramatically after residents of both towns simultaneously declared that they live at "the better end of East Sussex."

The dispute reportedly began when an Eastbourne resident described Hastings as "alright for a day out."

Within minutes, somebody from Hastings responded by describing Eastbourne as "nice if you like going to bed at half eight."

Diplomatic relations collapsed shortly afterwards.

Residents on both sides are now gathering evidence to prove their town is superior, including photographs of seafronts, historical landmarks and unusually favourable TripAdvisor reviews from 2017.

Bexhill has asked everybody to calm down.

Nobody has listened.

Eastbourne Deploys Seafront

Eastbourne made the first significant move on Monday morning by pointing towards its seafront and saying:

"Look at it."

Officials believe this was an extremely strong opening argument.

The town has also deployed Beachy Head, the South Downs and several exceptionally well-maintained flowerbeds.

Hastings responded almost immediately with its Old Town, fishing heritage, castle and the phrase:

"Yeah, but we've actually got character."

Eastbourne described the remark as "unnecessary."

Hastings Invokes 1066

Tensions escalated further after Hastings invoked the Battle of Hastings.

Eastbourne representatives objected on the grounds that Hastings has been "going on about 1066 for nearly a thousand years."

Hastings refused to withdraw the historical reference.

"If Eastbourne had one of the most famous battles in English history named after it, they'd mention it too," said one resident.

Eastbourne responded by reminding Hastings that the battle didn't actually take place in Hastings.

There was a lengthy silence.

"Close enough."

Piers Compared

Attention inevitably turned towards the towns' seaside credentials.

Both sides immediately began discussing piers.

This proved complicated.

Several residents started explaining the history of Hastings Pier.

Eastbourne residents responded by simply pointing at theirs.

"Still there," said one.

Negotiations were suspended for lunch.

Bexhill Becomes Buffer Zone

With tensions increasing, Bexhill has unexpectedly found itself acting as a neutral buffer between the two towns.

Residents there were initially unaware anything was happening.

"We were having quite a nice morning," said one Bexhill resident.

"Then somebody told us Eastbourne and Hastings were arguing."

"Again."

Local authorities have reportedly considered establishing a demilitarised zone along the A259.

Traffic cones could be positioned at strategic locations with signs reading:

EASTBOURNE RESIDENTS — THIS WAY

HASTINGS RESIDENTS — THAT WAY

BEXHILL — PLEASE DON'T INVOLVE US

Motorists travelling between Eastbourne and Hastings would be required to declare their allegiance at Pevensey.

Anyone answering "I quite like both" would be detained for questioning.

Residents Forced To Choose

The crisis has already divided families.

One Eastbourne woman admitted her daughter recently moved to Hastings.

"We still speak," she said.

"Obviously."

"But we don't discuss seafronts."

Meanwhile, a Hastings man revealed he occasionally visits Eastbourne voluntarily.

His identity has been withheld for his protection.

"I like walking along the front," he admitted.

"It's very nice."

Asked whether Eastbourne therefore had the better seafront, he immediately withdrew his statement.

"I didn't say that."

Brighton Attempts To Intervene

Brighton reportedly offered to mediate the dispute.

Both towns rejected the offer immediately.

"This is an East Sussex matter," representatives said.

For approximately six minutes, Eastbourne and Hastings were completely united.

It was described as a major diplomatic breakthrough.

Unfortunately, somebody then asked which town had better fish and chips.

Talks collapsed again.

Competition Proposed

Officials are now considering settling the argument through a series of neutral challenges.

Proposed events include:

Best Seafront

Most Aggressive Seagull

Most Difficult Place To Park On A Sunny Saturday

Best View

Most Residents Saying Their Town Was Better Twenty Years Ago

And the prestigious:

Person Who Has Lived There For 40 Years But Apparently Hates Everything About It Award

Experts predict an extremely close contest.

Peace Talks Continue

Despite the escalating rhetoric, residents of both towns privately admit they quite like visiting each other.

Eastbourne residents regularly travel to Hastings.

Hastings residents regularly travel to Eastbourne.

Both enjoy having another major seaside town just along the Sussex coast.

Neither side is prepared to acknowledge this publicly.

Derek Pebbles approached representatives from both towns seeking a final statement.

Eastbourne said:

"We're better."

Hastings responded:

"No you're not."

Bexhill sighed.

At the time of publication, peace talks were continuing.

However, officials remain concerned that the entire situation could escalate dramatically if somebody brings up which town has the better beach.

Bexhill has begun stockpiling deckchairs.