Eastbourne, East Sussex · Entirely Questionable

The Seagull Times

Satire 'News' Stories - Eastbourne, East Sussex

Local Stories

Eastbourne Man Reports Suspicious Activity After Seeing Someone Under 30 In Town Centre Before 9am

Police not involved after mysterious young person confirms they were simply going to work.

Eastbourne Man Reports Suspicious Activity After Seeing Someone Under 30 In Town Centre Before 9am
3 min Reading 1 Section

EASTBOURNE — An Eastbourne man has reported what he described as "highly suspicious activity" after spotting somebody under the age of 30 voluntarily walking through the town centre before 9am.

The incident occurred shortly after 8.20am when 67-year-old Graham Collins was making his way through town and noticed a young man approaching from the opposite direction.

Graham immediately knew something wasn't right.

"He couldn't have been older than about 24," he said.

"And there he was. Awake."

"Walking around."

"I thought, what's he up to?"

Eastbourne town centre includes extensive pedestrianised shopping areas around Terminus Road, making it entirely possible for younger residents to walk through it without committing any known offence.

Witness Becomes Suspicious

Graham continued observing the individual from a safe distance.

The young man was carrying a backpack, drinking coffee and walking with what witnesses described as "purpose."

This only increased suspicion.

"He wasn't even looking at his phone."

"That's when I started getting concerned."

Graham briefly considered alerting authorities but decided to gather more information first.

He followed the suspect for approximately 40 metres.

The suspect remained completely unaware he was a suspect.

Explanation Eventually Discovered

The mystery was solved when the young man entered a local workplace.

He was employed there.

His shift started at 8.30am.

"Oh."

Graham admitted this was a reasonable explanation.

"I suppose young people do have jobs."

He nevertheless remained concerned about the coffee.

"Those things cost about four quid now."

Facebook Alert Narrowly Avoided

Graham had reportedly begun composing a warning for a local Facebook group.

His original draft read:

"Anyone know what's going on in town this morning? Lots of suspicious activity. Stay safe everyone."

There was, in fact, one person.

He was going to work.

The post was eventually deleted before publication, narrowly preventing 300 comments, four unrelated arguments and somebody asking whether the helicopters were connected.

Second Young Person Spotted

Just as the situation appeared resolved, another person believed to be under 30 was spotted near the town centre.

This individual was also awake.

Graham was stunned.

"Two of them now."

Investigations revealed she was waiting for a bus.

No further action was required.

Eastbourne Reassured

Residents have been reminded that people of all ages are permitted to enter Eastbourne town centre during morning hours.

There is currently no minimum age requirement.

Young people may also use shops, buses, cafés and pavements.

Graham said he welcomed the clarification.

"Fair enough."

"It's nice seeing young people in town, really."

He paused.

"Just wasn't expecting it that early."

At the time of publication, a third person under 30 had been sighted.

Graham declined to investigate.

He had an appointment at 9am and was already running late.

React to this story

0 reactions

The traditional democratic process, but with significantly less paperwork.

Comments

0 comments
No approved comments yet. Be the first to contribute something suspiciously reasonable.

Join the discussion

Comments are reviewed before appearing publicly. Keep it civil, keep it relevant, and ideally keep it funnier than the article.

Used for moderation only and never shown publicly.