Eastbourne Man Sits On Seafront Bench For Five Minutes And Somehow Learns Everything Happening In Town

By Barry Beakman, Senior Local Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — An Eastbourne man has accidentally obtained more information about the town than most local newspapers after sitting on a seafront bench for approximately five minutes.

The 57-year-old resident had intended to enjoy a quiet break overlooking the sea when two women sat on the bench immediately behind him.

Within seconds, he became aware of a complicated dispute involving somebody called Carol.

"I don't know Carol," he explained.

"I've never met Carol."

"But I now have extremely strong opinions about her."

Situation Escalates Immediately

The conversation reportedly began innocently.

One woman asked:

"Did you hear about Julie?"

The other had.

What followed was described as an extraordinary amount of information delivered at tremendous speed.

Within approximately ninety seconds, the man learned that Julie was no longer speaking to her sister.

Her sister had apparently "always been like that."

Someone named Darren had moved out.

And a neighbour's new fence was considerably higher than everybody had been led to believe.

"I was just sitting there looking at the sea."

"Suddenly I'm emotionally invested in six strangers."

Carol Situation Particularly Serious

The conversation repeatedly returned to Carol.

According to information accidentally obtained by The Seagull Times, Carol had "said something at Christmas."

Exactly what she said remains unclear.

However, both women agreed:

"You just don't do that."

The man considered turning around and asking for clarification.

He decided against it.

"I didn't want them knowing I was listening."

He remained completely motionless for another four minutes.

Parking Dispute Emerges

The discussion then moved unexpectedly to parking.

A man living several streets away had apparently begun parking "where he always parks."

This had become controversial.

"Apparently it's not actually his space," the listener explained.

"But he's parked there for years."

The legal implications remain unclear.

One of the women described the situation as:

"Absolutely ridiculous."

The other replied:

"I said exactly the same thing."

Both then spent several minutes saying exactly the same thing.

Intelligence Network Expands

Experts believe informal bench conversations may represent one of Eastbourne's largest information networks.

News can reportedly travel from one end of the town to the other without using the internet.

A significant development occurring in Langney at 9am could theoretically be discussed in Meads before lunch.

Researchers believe hairdressers, cafés, bus stops and supermarket queues may operate as relay stations.

Facebook completes the system.

Attempt To Leave Fails

After several minutes, the man decided he had heard enough.

He stood up.

Then one of the women said:

"And don't even get me started on what happened at the wedding."

He sat back down.

"I couldn't leave at that point."

The wedding revelation introduced several new individuals.

These included Paul, Paul's brother, somebody's ex-wife and a woman referred to only as:

"Her from Polegate."

The listener has been unable to identify any of them.

He nevertheless understands precisely who was responsible.

"It was Paul."

Wife Receives Full Briefing

The man eventually returned home approximately forty minutes later.

His wife asked why he'd been gone so long.

"You are not going to believe what's happened with Carol."

She stared at him.

"Who's Carol?"

"No idea."

He then spent fifteen minutes explaining the situation.

His wife is now also furious with Carol.

Investigation Continues

The Seagull Times attempted to independently establish Carol's identity.

This proved impossible.

There are too many Carols.

However, three people contacted during the investigation responded:

"Oh, you don't mean that Carol?"

We may be dealing with a considerably larger story.

At the time of publication, Barry Beakman had been dispatched to the seafront with a notebook.

He has been instructed to sit quietly and wait.

Early reports suggest somebody called Sandra has "done it again."

More as we get it.