Lewes Declares Itself Independent People's Republic Following Particularly Successful Farmers' Market

By Derek Pebbles, Sussex Correspondent

LEWES — Lewes has declared independence from the rest of East Sussex following what residents described as an "exceptionally strong" farmers' market.

The Independent People's Republic of Lewes was proclaimed shortly after 2pm when traders reportedly sold out of sourdough, artisan cheese and a particularly popular jar of locally produced chutney.

Witnesses say the atmosphere became increasingly confident throughout the morning.

By lunchtime, somebody suggested Lewes could probably manage perfectly well on its own.

Nobody disagreed.

Independence was declared 40 minutes later.

Border Established Immediately

Temporary border controls have reportedly been established on major routes into the town.

Visitors are being asked to state their reason for entering Lewes.

Acceptable answers include:

Visiting the castle

Buying something handmade

Walking on the Downs

and:

Just fancied a look around

Anyone answering "passing through to Brighton" may be questioned further.

Officials insist the new border arrangements are friendly.

"We're not trying to keep people out."

"We just want to know whether they appreciate independent shops."

New Currency Introduced

The Republic has also abandoned sterling in favour of its own currency.

The Lewes Artisan Pound is backed by the nation's strategic reserves of sourdough bread.

One Artisan Pound is currently worth approximately:

• One small coffee
• Half an organic focaccia
• Three quarters of a handmade candle
• Approximately 0.08 jars of premium chutney

Exchange rates fluctuate significantly on market day.

Residents carrying supermarket sliced bread have been advised not to display it publicly.

Government Formed

A provisional government has already been established.

Rather than holding elections, leadership positions were allocated based on who had the most reusable shopping bags.

The new government includes a Minister for Markets, Secretary of Independent Retail and Minister Without Portfolio But With A Really Nice Tote Bag.

A Department for Sourdough has also been created.

Nobody remembers approving it.

Eastbourne Responds

News of Lewes independence quickly reached Eastbourne.

Residents reacted with confusion.

"Weren't they basically doing their own thing anyway?" asked Graham Collins.

Officials in the new republic described the comment as "surprisingly accurate."

Hastings has reportedly recognised Lewes as an independent nation on the condition that Lewes recognises Hastings as "more interesting than Eastbourne."

Diplomatic negotiations continue.

Brighton Applies For Visa

Relations with Brighton are expected to be more complicated.

Lewes officials have confirmed Brighton residents will still be allowed to visit.

However, they may be required to prove they are not attempting to raise house prices.

Applicants must also answer a simple citizenship question:

"How much is too much to pay for a flat white?"

There is only one correct answer.

National Identity Develops Rapidly

Residents have quickly embraced their new nationality.

Flags have appeared in windows.

Unfortunately, nobody agreed what the flag should look like.

One proposal features Lewes Castle.

Another features the Downs.

A third consists entirely of beige linen.

The beige linen proposal is currently leading.

A national anthem is also being considered.

Officials want something traditional, distinctive and preferably playable on an acoustic guitar outside a café.

Farmers' Market Declared Strategic Infrastructure

Following the successful market that triggered independence, the government has designated farmers' markets as essential national infrastructure.

Emergency legislation will protect supplies of:

Artisan cheese

Handmade soap

Organic vegetables

Local honey

and:

Bread requiring considerably more chewing than normal bread

The government insists national security depends on maintaining adequate stocks.

Republic Faces First Crisis

The young nation encountered its first major emergency later that afternoon when the sourdough stall sold out.

Currency markets immediately collapsed.

One Artisan Pound briefly became worth half a brownie.

Residents panicked.

A trader eventually discovered six additional loaves beneath a table.

Economic stability returned within minutes.

Independence Expected To Last

Lewes officials insist there is no intention of rejoining East Sussex.

"We have everything we need here."

A journalist asked about hospitals, major infrastructure and several public services.

Officials requested that questions remain focused on the farmers' market.

At the time of publication, the Independent People's Republic of Lewes remained sovereign.

Its borders were secure.

Its government was functioning.

And its strategic chutney reserve was reportedly at an all-time high.

Unfortunately, somebody has now suggested forming a committee to decide what happens next.

Independence may take a while.