RAF Typhoon Accidentally Activates Every Car Alarm In Eastbourne During Airbourne Display

By Barry Beakman, Senior Local Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — The RAF Typhoon has accidentally activated what officials believe to be every functioning car alarm in Eastbourne after making a particularly enthusiastic pass during Saturday's Airbourne display.

The incident occurred shortly after the aircraft arrived over the seafront, producing enough noise to immediately interrupt approximately 14,000 conversations and cause several thousand people to instinctively look upwards despite already attending an airshow.

Seconds later, car alarms reportedly began sounding across the town.

The first were heard near the seafront.

Within minutes, reports had arrived from Old Town, Langney, Hampden Park and several locations where residents insist they "couldn't possibly have heard it from there."

Local man Peter Collins was sitting on the beach when he heard an alarm somewhere behind him.

"That's mine," he immediately announced.

His wife reminded him they had travelled by bus.

"Still sounded like mine."

Town Temporarily 40% Louder

Witnesses described the Typhoon display itself as spectacular.

They described everything else as impossible to hear.

One resident attempted to speak to his family during the display before eventually abandoning the conversation and communicating entirely through pointing.

Another was seen answering his telephone.

Nobody knows why.

"HELLO?" he shouted.

"YEAH, I'M AT AIRBOURNE."

There was a pause.

"WHAT?"

He then spent approximately two minutes repeating this process.

Windows Under Investigation

Across Eastbourne, residents who had decided not to attend Airbourne were reminded that attendance was largely optional but hearing it was not.

One woman reportedly walked into her garden after feeling the windows vibrate.

"I thought something had exploded," she said.

"Then I remembered what weekend it was."

She returned inside.

Several dogs have submitted formal complaints.

Scientists Detect Eastbourne Dad Phenomenon

Perhaps most remarkably, researchers recorded thousands of fathers simultaneously performing the same behaviour as the Typhoon approached.

They stopped talking.

Looked towards the sky.

Waited.

And then said:

"Here he comes."

This was followed approximately six seconds later by:

"Christ, that's loud."

Experts believe the ritual occurs naturally whenever military aircraft appear over Eastbourne.

There is currently no known treatment.

Structural Integrity Of Tea Assessed

At several seafront properties, residents reported cups of tea experiencing minor surface movement.

No tea was lost.

One biscuit fell from a saucer but was recovered.

Officials described the incident as "within acceptable Airbourne limits."

Meanwhile, a local man who has complained about Airbourne's noise every year since 2007 was reportedly standing in his garden watching the entire display.

When challenged, he insisted he was "just checking what all the racket was."

He remained outside until it finished.

Alarms Eventually Silenced

Most vehicle alarms had stopped shortly after the Typhoon departed.

Three continued sounding for reasons unrelated to the aircraft.

Nobody knows whose cars they are.

At the time of publication, Eastbourne had returned to normal noise levels.

Residents were beginning conversations again.

Dogs were emerging cautiously from beneath furniture.

And somewhere near the seafront, one man was still pointing towards an empty patch of sky.

"You should've seen that," he told a stranger.

"Must've been doing about a thousand miles an hour."

He has no aviation qualifications whatsoever.