Eastbourne Man Accidentally Says Town Is Quite Nice, Forced To Hand In Local Resident Card

By Jeanette Deckchair, Community & Lifestyle Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — A lifelong Eastbourne resident has been ordered to surrender his Local Resident Card after accidentally admitting that the town is "actually quite nice."

The shocking comments were made on Saturday morning when 58-year-old Graham Collins took a walk along the seafront in unusually pleasant weather.

Witnesses say Graham appeared relaxed.

He admired the sea.

He looked towards the Downs.

He even smiled.

Then, without warning, he said:

"You know what? We're quite lucky living here really."

There was immediate silence.

"I knew as soon as I'd said it," Graham admitted.

"You can't take something like that back."

Warning Signs Had Been Building

Friends say Graham's behaviour had become increasingly concerning throughout the morning.

He found a parking space without complaining about it.

He walked along the promenade without mentioning how busy it was.

At one point, he stopped and looked towards Beachy Head.

"Beautiful up there."

His wife became concerned.

"I asked if he was feeling alright."

"He said he'd never felt better."

"That's when I knew we had a problem."

No Complaints For Almost Ten Minutes

Investigators have since established that Graham went approximately nine minutes and forty-three seconds without making a single negative comment about Eastbourne.

This may represent a local record.

During that period he failed to mention:

Parking charges.

Potholes.

Empty shops.

Traffic.

The council.

Or:

"What the town used to be like."

Experts described the lapse as extraordinary.

Emergency Intervention

The situation finally became impossible to ignore when Graham looked across the seafront and announced:

"It's looking really nice down here."

His friend immediately pulled him aside.

"Mate."

"What?"

"Listen to yourself."

Graham suddenly realised what had happened.

"Oh God."

His Local Resident Card was confiscated shortly afterwards.

Rehabilitation Begins

Under Eastbourne tradition, Graham must now demonstrate that he is capable of complaining about the town before his local status can be restored.

He has already begun rehabilitation.

On Sunday morning he successfully complained about the price of parking despite not having driven anywhere.

Later, he walked past a shop that had closed several years ago.

"Another one gone."

Progress was described as encouraging.

He also successfully used the phrase:

"It never used to be like this."

Nobody knew what he was referring to.

This was considered particularly promising.

Residents Rally Around Graham

Other locals have expressed sympathy.

"It can happen to anyone," said Margaret Collins.

"You get a sunny day, the sea looks lovely and suddenly you forget yourself."

Margaret admitted she once described Eastbourne as "underrated" while talking to relatives visiting from London.

She immediately corrected herself by complaining about Terminus Road.

Tourist Makes Situation Worse

Graham's recovery suffered a setback when he overheard a tourist praising the town.

"It's gorgeous here," the visitor said.

Graham instinctively replied:

"Yeah, it is."

Witnesses gasped.

His rehabilitation period has been extended by another week.

Card Could Be Returned

Officials have reassured Graham that his Local Resident Card can eventually be returned.

To qualify, he must complete several basic tests.

These include complaining about a perfectly acceptable cup of tea, explaining why a journey across Eastbourne takes longer "these days", and beginning a sentence with:

"The trouble with this town is..."

He must then continue speaking for at least fifteen minutes.

Graham is confident.

"I love Eastbourne really."

There was another uncomfortable silence.

He sighed.

"Parking's a nightmare though."

Officials immediately handed his card back.