Eastbourne Seagulls Begin Charging Tourists £5 To Have Their Lunch Left Alone

By Sally Squawks, Seagull Affairs Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Seagulls operating along Eastbourne seafront have reportedly introduced a £5 protection scheme guaranteeing tourists can eat their lunch without having any of it stolen.

Under the arrangement, visitors surrender £5 upon arriving at the seafront and receive approximately 30 minutes of uninterrupted eating time.

Nobody currently knows what the gulls intend to do with the money.

Representatives insist this is irrelevant.

"We provide a service," said one gull spokesperson.

"People pay for that service."

When reminded that the service consisted entirely of seagulls agreeing not to steal something, the spokesperson stared at our reporter for several seconds.

"Exactly."

Tourists Approached

Witnesses first noticed the scheme after several gulls began gathering around families eating near the promenade.

Rather than immediately attempting to steal food, the birds reportedly waited.

One then tapped repeatedly on a nearby contactless payment terminal.

How the terminal was obtained remains under investigation.

Tourist Graham Harris initially refused to participate.

"I told them absolutely not."

Approximately twelve seconds later, half his sandwich disappeared.

He subsequently paid.

"Best fiver I've spent all day."

Different Packages Available

Sally Squawks understands the operation has already expanded to include several protection levels.

The basic £5 package covers sandwiches, pastries and small portions of chips.

For £8, customers receive enhanced protection covering ice cream and anything containing sausage.

A premium £12 package reportedly guarantees protection from all gull-related incidents for one hour.

This does not include pigeons.

"They're independent contractors," representatives explained.

Family packages are currently being considered.

Local Residents Exempt

Eastbourne residents appear largely unaffected.

Gull representatives claim locals are automatically enrolled in a separate scheme based on "mutual understanding."

Resident Margaret Collins explained:

"They know better."

"I've been eating chips down here since 1987."

"You don't show fear."

Tourists, meanwhile, remain significantly easier targets.

Experts say gulls can identify visitors through several indicators, including cameras, backpacks and holding food above their heads while shouting "GO AWAY."

Authorities Concerned

Questions are now being raised about how organised the town's seagulls have become.

Only months ago, most food thefts were opportunistic.

The introduction of pricing structures, payment infrastructure and customer segmentation suggests a worrying level of commercial development.

One bird has reportedly been seen carrying a small clipboard.

Another appears to be responsible for accounts.

Sally Squawks attempted to investigate the financial structure behind the operation.

Her request for company records was rejected.

Minutes later, her crisps disappeared.

Expansion Planned

Sources suggest the gulls may expand the protection scheme to other areas of Eastbourne if the seafront trial proves successful.

Potential future services include picnic security, bakery escort and an annual subscription allowing residents to walk through town carrying food without incident.

Representatives refused to confirm pricing.

At the time of publication, a handwritten sign had appeared near the beach reading:

LUNCH PROTECTION — £5
PEACE OF MIND
NO REFUNDS

Three gulls were standing underneath it.

Nobody remembers putting the sign there.