Eastbourne Seagulls Demand Council Install Pedestrian Crossings On Rooftops

By Sally Squawks, Seagull Affairs Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Eastbourne's seagulls have demanded the installation of pedestrian crossings across rooftops after accusing humans of receiving "preferential treatment" at ground level.

The Eastbourne Coastal Gull Residents' Association claims thousands of birds are forced to cross dangerous gaps between buildings every day without a single zebra crossing, traffic light or helpful green man.

"We pay exactly the same council tax as everyone else," said association chairman Gerald Gull.

Officials pointed out that seagulls pay no council tax whatsoever.

Gerald refused to discuss his personal finances.

Rooftop Safety Crisis

The association has proposed miniature zebra crossings between popular chimneys, along with signs warning:

CAUTION — GULLS CROSSING

Particularly busy rooftops could receive tiny traffic lights.

Birds would wait for the green signal before flying across.

Sally Squawks asked why a flying animal requires a pedestrian crossing.

The interview was briefly suspended.

Humans Accused Of Having Everything

Gerald later produced a list of infrastructure humans apparently take for granted.

"You've got pavements. Bus stops. Benches. Toilets."

He became increasingly angry.

"We've got chimneys."

A resident pointed out that gulls also have the entire sky.

"That's not the point."

Nobody established what the point was.

£4 Million Compensation Demanded

The association is now demanding £4 million in historic compensation for what it describes as decades of aerial inequality.

Proposed spending includes rooftop crossings, dedicated nesting zones and a gull-only leisure centre featuring an unattended chip counter.

Residents have rejected the proposals.

The gulls have responded by threatening industrial action.

From Monday, they say they will stop stealing food for 24 hours.

Eastbourne residents immediately welcomed the announcement.

Gerald has since cancelled the strike.

"We hadn't thought that through."

At the time of publication, a gull had been spotted standing beside a chimney waiting for permission to cross.

After approximately thirty seconds it remembered it could fly.

The campaign continues.