Eastbourne Seagulls Form Residents' Association And Immediately Complain About Tourists

By Sally Squawks, Seagull Affairs Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Eastbourne's seagulls have formed their first official residents' association and immediately submitted a lengthy complaint regarding the behaviour of humans on the seafront.

The Eastbourne Coastal Gull Residents' Association held its inaugural meeting on Monday morning.

Approximately 140 gulls attended.

Three pigeons attempted to enter but were informed membership was restricted to permanent coastal residents.

The meeting descended into chaos within eleven minutes.

Tourists Top List Of Complaints

The association's first major concern is tourism.

Gulls claim visitors arrive in enormous numbers every summer, make excessive noise and occupy large sections of beach traditionally used for standing around looking threatening.

"They're everywhere," said association chairman Gerald.

"They arrive early."

"They bring chairs."

"Some of them stay all day."

When reminded that tourism contributes significantly to Eastbourne's economy, Gerald attempted to eat our microphone.

Food Waste Criticised

The association also claims humans leave too much food unattended.

Members described the situation as "irresponsible."

One gull complained that chips are regularly left exposed in open containers.

Another highlighted sandwiches being consumed without adequate aerial protection.

"Then when something happens, we're blamed."

"It's victim blaming."

Sally Squawks asked who the victim was.

"The chips."

Photography Ban Demanded

Gulls have also called for restrictions on photography.

The association claims thousands of birds are photographed every year without consent.

"We're trying to work."

"Suddenly there's a camera in your face."

Some gulls are demanding royalties when photographs are uploaded to social media.

Others want the right to approve images before publication.

One bird requested that photographs only be taken from its left side.

Airbourne Complaint Submitted

Airbourne was also discussed.

Members complained that visiting aircraft occupied gull airspace for four consecutive days without paying landing fees.

The RAF Typhoon attracted particular criticism.

"Far too loud."

This marks the first recorded occasion on which Eastbourne residents and seagulls have agreed on anything.

However, the association acknowledged that Airbourne provided "exceptional food opportunities."

The complaint was subsequently downgraded.

More Bins Requested

In perhaps the biggest surprise, gulls have demanded additional public bins.

Residents initially welcomed the announcement.

Then the association clarified its position.

"We want the ones without lids."

Support disappeared immediately.

First AGM Ends In Disorder

The meeting concluded with elections for several committee positions.

Gerald was elected chairman.

Susan became treasurer.

Nobody knows why seagulls require a treasurer.

A younger bird was appointed Head of Human Relations but resigned approximately four minutes later after stealing someone's pastry.

The AGM officially ended when an unattended sausage roll was spotted approximately thirty metres away.

All 140 members immediately abandoned proceedings.

Further Action Expected

The residents' association intends to meet monthly.

Future agenda items include:

Unfair Anti-Gull Propaganda

Human Encroachment On Rooftops

The Declining Size Of Chips

and:

Why Does Everyone Keep Shouting "OI" At Us?

Sally Squawks has requested observer status at future meetings.

The application is being considered.

At the time of publication, the association's chairman was unavailable for comment.

He had been removed from an outdoor dining area.

He intends to appeal.