Seagulls Seize Sovereign Harbour And Demand £6 Million Ransom In Chips

By Sally Squawks, Seagull Affairs Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Hundreds of seagulls have seized control of Sovereign Harbour and are refusing to leave until Eastbourne delivers a reported £6 million ransom entirely in chips.

The occupation began shortly after sunrise when approximately 300 gulls descended on the harbour in what witnesses described as "far too organised to be normal."

Within twenty minutes, birds had occupied several rooftops, surrounded the waterfront and established what appeared to be an aerial checkpoint.

One particularly large gull was seen guarding a bench.

Nobody challenged him.

Harbour Declares Independence

The gulls have renamed the territory The Sovereign Gull Republic and warned humans they are now entering "beak-controlled waters."

Residents attempting to pass through are reportedly being inspected for sandwiches.

Anyone carrying chips is immediately detained.

The chips are not returned.

Big Beak Suspected

Sources within Eastbourne's gull underworld believe notorious alleged crime boss Big Beak may be behind the operation.

Anonymous Seagull refused to confirm the allegation.

"I've already said too much," the source whispered.

He then flew directly into a bin.

Demands Issued

A handwritten ransom note discovered beside the harbour reportedly demands:

£6 million worth of chips.

Permanent access to all outdoor dining areas.

One Greggs bag every Tuesday.

Full diplomatic immunity for chip theft.

Officials immediately rejected the demands.

The gulls responded by stealing somebody's pasty.

Negotiations have since resumed.

Situation Remains Tense

Residents have been advised to remain calm and avoid carrying visible food near the occupied territory.

Authorities insist the situation is under control.

At the time of publication, however, the gulls had acquired a pedal boat.

Nobody knows how.

It is currently heading towards France.